Advice for new college students

Mikkal Hvidsten, Editor

The time has come. All of New Prague’s beloved seniors are going up, up, and away. To be clear, I’m not sad. I’m just disappointed. I mean, why do Seniors think it’s okay to leave all of us schmucks in the dust when they get to go on to “bigger and better things?” Let’s be honest, the only bigger and better things they are moving on to is waking up late and hungover for a class they paid 1,000 dollars for but have only attended twice. College is honestly a waste of money when all you get in return is a piece of paper and some liver damage, but there are some things that college is useful for that you might not expect. Here are some positive things you should do during your college years.

Commit Crime

Most people don’t know this, but when you are in college, you have immunity from all criminal charges that might be put against you. Any minor crime you might commit, like vandalism, trespassing, possession, or even jaywalking, will not be held against you in a court of law. I encourage you all to take advantage of your early adult years to truly live your life. It’s like what one of those great philosophers said, “Party like it’s 1999,” and we wouldn’t want it any other way, Mr. Prince.

Do Extracurricular Activities

When going to college, it is important to maintain a social life with your peers and to make some friends. One way to do that without risking your health and sanity is to join an extracurricular that you are passionate about. That could be competitive extracurriculars, a college newspaper, academics, or things like that, but I am missing the one club that sounds like the best time to me, Mud Wrestling Club. With a slogan like “Taking it back to the Greek times, soap not included”, the club is hard to resist. Mud Wrestling brings people together by being accepting of others, providing a therapeutic time to get out any built-up rage in a safe environment, and literally bringing people together… I have learned mud is very sticky.

Call Your Parents

Who do you think you are? Who do YOU think YOU are??? Call your parents. They haven’t heard from you in weeks, and the only way they know you’re alive is through your stupid Instagram posts that show you half-naked on a beach. I imagine that isn’t super comforting for your poor parents who are now all alone without you. Call them. You aren’t better than them or anyone else. 

Get a House with Your Friends

Who hasn’t dreamt of getting a house with all your friends and just having the time of your life? Of course, there are certain things that come with a house that might not be glamorous. Dirty laundry in the halls, dishes building up in the sink until they tip over, being evicted with no money, and of course worst of all, having to take out the trash when it wasn’t your turn. The good news is with your own house, you can do all sorts of stuff! You can jump on the bed, have sleepover parties, and drink soda past 8:00 PM!! Really, you can do whatever you can put your dull imagination to. 

Overall, when you leave for college and start your life away from New Prague, please, please, please follow these guidelines to make your experience worth the 20 years of debt. On a serious note, good luck to all the seniors graduating in 2022, and I hope that whatever you choose to do, you have fun and make it worthwhile. Congratulations Seniors, and see you next year underclassmen!